I’m sure you’ve heard that saying, “It takes a village.” I have always silently rolled my eyes at that phrase, as it goes against my desire to handle things on my own, to be competent within myself and my strong introvert ways. The idea of living in close community always seemed as if it would cause me to come undone- constantly having to give myself to others and become vulnerable. It sounded like an emotionally exhausting way to live. Well, this summer my boys and I spent the majority of our months living with my older brother and his wife and three children, and I came face to face with this idea of the “village”.
Precious cousins and lazy summer days spent in the sun.
My brother owns a guided fishing and deluxe lodging vacation business in Dillon, MT and my husband and I were the chefs for the season. Now, before the summer began, I was skeptical how it would all turn out. How on earth was I going to travel back and forth with an infant, a potty-training preschooler, live out of suitcases, and do all of this mostly solo as my husband had to stay back most of the time because of his job. I thought at best we would be ending the season frazzled, in disarray, and all too ready to come home and take a break from everyone (not to mention giving others a break from us)! Boy was I wrong.
Looking back, a lot of my hesitation stemmed from wanting to be comfortable and not inconvenienced by everything that comes with travel and being away from home long-term with two small children. However, what I’ve come to realize, after I let my guard down, is that the isolation I tend to create in my life under a disguise of “self-care” and “rest”, actually hinders me (and my children) from experiencing some pretty great blessings of living within a “tribe”.
Here is what I learned to be blessings from living life in (super) close contact with others…
EXTRA HELP: Man this one right here. Praise praise praise. My husband’s job so wonderfully provides for us, but it also keeps him away from us 14+ hours a day. I hadn’t realized how much I was in survival mode after almost 4 years of “momming” in the trenches in this way. I can’t tell you how much of a weight off me it was to be able to, for example, have someone else hold the baby so I could, you know, go to the bathroom alone. But in all seriousness, the isolation our culture has created causes a lot of unnecessary anxiety and stress because we don’t let others in to help. We can’t do this life alone, at least not for very long without it taking its toll. I learned a very valuable lesson this summer to let others in to help, knowing it’s not a weakness that I can’t juggle every single ball with only my two hands. Even just knowing that there were other capable adults in the house that could help me should I need it, gave me a lightness in my mentality because should an overwhelming need arise, I wasn’t physically alone. And that was a breakthrough feeling.
STRENGTHENED RELATIONSHIPS: Before this summer I would never say that my family wasn’t close. We do a great job at staying in touch. However, after living in the same house together for a whole summer, relationships are bound to go beyond feeling lovingly cordial, to feeling almost sacred. Cousins become thick as thieves, and the adults go from letting others make their own decisions to actually speaking into each other’s lives. You know, that whole iron sharpens iron thing. It’s beautiful to watch it play out in real life. Again, the segregated lives we have in western culture lend towards some huge disadvantages- superficial relationships being one of them. When you live day to day with others, the time comes where you can’t be superficial anymore. Your encouragement and your mess is going to rub off on others, and edification takes place.
WALKING IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES CREATES EMPATHY: When we see others for only hours at a time (or at the longest maybe an extended holiday get-together), it’s easy to miss the reality of someone’s situation. When you are in someone’s life in such close proximity as what we experienced this summer, you see things you aren’t able to otherwise. You learn that you didn’t know that particular difficulty was truly that hard, or now you see how much work goes into something you once took for granted with someone. When that happens, you can’t help but feel compassion. We are good at hiding our struggles, but this also keeps us from truly understanding what each other goes through. I have an inkling that if we all lived life in closer community, there would be more love and support and less judgment and bitterness. Dare I say that we are creating our own bitterness by keeping others away?
HAVING ACTUAL FACE TO FACE CONVERSATIONS: Do you remember the last real conversation you had that wasn’t taking place through your smartphone? If you can I’m willing to bet that it was nourishing to your soul. We probably don’t know all the ways our synthetic conversations are wreaking havoc on our souls. What I do know is that many many deep, life-giving conversations were had face to face this summer and after each one I was left feeling invigorated, recharged, loved, seen, healthily challenged, and ready to tackle once again my roles with renewed vigor. Man we need more of this in life. Imagine the emotional and mental health revival that would happen in our culture if we made this a priority.
OTHERS CAN SEE INTO YOUR STRUGGLE IN A WAY YOU CAN’T: Being a mom to an infant and a preschooler, there are lots of daily struggles going on each day. Teething, diaper rashes, crying at bedtime, endless messes, learning obedience, potty-training, epic tantrums, battle of the wills- and these are just the ones I can think of right away. There are also many deep-seeded difficulties going on on a daily basis. Again, it’s easy to hide these things for a few hours, or even for a few days, but not for a whole summer. My struggles came out into the open and my brother and sister-in-law, along with many others, were able to get a front row seat. At first this was very difficult. I wanted to hide it all. I didn’t want to seem incompetent as a mother or my kids badly behaved or my marriage not enviable. But that’s not reality is it? Reality is that I can’t do it all. I mess up. I don’t know all the answers. My kids can be plain naughty. And marriage takes WORK. On the other side of the uncomfortableness of being seen as human, is the support we can give each other in our deepest valleys. And oh, is this something worth its weight in gold.
KIDS DEVELOP A RESPONSIBILITY TOWARDS EACH OTHER: Don’t get me wrong, kids are going to look to protect their own needs before those of others because that’s their natural tendency. However, when kids are growing up in close community with other kids- living day in and day out with each other- they grow a responsibility within themselves to take care of one another. I saw this happen before my very eyes. Yes there were daily squabbles but it was so amazing watching my boys’ cousins take it upon themselves to look after them without even being asked. When the baby was crying, they would go over and try to help. When my oldest son was showing real fear about using the toilet, they encouraged him. What a blessing to my boys their cousins were this summer. I’m starting to understand now when families have many children and they talk about how the kids all help to take care of one another. I think they’re onto something there. (An aside: look at the very first picture within this post, and you’ll see my brother’s oldest boy holding onto my son’s leg, making sure he didn’t fall into the water.)
KIDS GET EXPOSED TO THINGS THEY WOULDN’T NORMALLY: This truth is usually seen in a negative light, but it can also be a positive thing. My older son had the time of his life this summer getting to ride in a tractor as it baled hay, as he rode around in a Ranger with his cousins, as his uncle taught him how to pump gas from the personal business tank, driving 4 wheelers by himself, riding on a riding lawn mower with his aunt, and riding on a float through town for Labor Day. All these experiences are things we wouldn’t have been able to provide in our own home in our own city. When you do life closely with others, you also gain access to their blessings and your life is enriched in a whole new way where it wouldn’t have been otherwise.
KIDS ARE HEARING FROM OTHER ADULTS THE SAME THINGS MOM AND DAD ARE SAYING: Parents I’m sure you know the exasperation you feel when you see your child easily obey another adult with something they give you such a fit about continually at home. I saw that many times this summer. At first it made me feel bad as a mom, wondering what it was about me that my child wound’t obey me like that. But after a while I began to learn that maybe there’s some wisdom being displayed here about why living within a “tribe” is important. My kids were hearing from other adults in charge, other than just me, reiterate the same things I have been saying for a couple years now. There’s just something about another adult telling your child the same things he/she has heard mom and dad saying. The child starts to see, in a broader sense, that authority involves more people than just mom and dad. My preschooler started learning that obedience wasn’t just because mom said so. This was such a blessing to me to experience the idea of all the adults raising each other’s children. So often in our culture we make it other people’s problem, or at the very least the problem of the parents alone. When in reality, as adults we should feel the responsibility of raising the next generation so strongly that we step in to help rear and guide any child in the way he or she should go.
YOU SEE YOUR LOVED ONES GROW UP BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES: Before this summer I would see my brother’s family a few times a year. Each time we saw each other it was amazing how the kids were so much more grown up than the last time we saw them. A part of that reality is a little sad because it’s proof of time passing so quickly, stealing away the moments you wish you all had for each other. When we started this summer my baby was 6 months old. He was learning to crawl and had two teeth. My oldest was smack dab in the middle of an award winning boycott on potty training. By the time the summer was over, my boys’ cousins witnessed my baby learn to walk and pop out many more teeth, and they were able to celebrate whole-heartedly with my son when he finally decided to ditch the diapers because they saw first hand the months-long battle. It really felt like these kids had lived some life together because in truth, they had! It was so life-giving as their mom to see my kids in relationship with other kids in a deeper and longer way than the occasional play-date.
Cousins at church.
So after a summer of being stretched outside my comfort zone, I’ve come to experience what it’s like to be filled again and again with strength when I’ve felt like mine was well past its last thread. I’ve experienced what it’s like to have my arms lifted by others to complete work that I have no emotional or physical reserves left for. I’ve learned what it means to truly have others go out of their way to help you see a new perspective on something simply because they love you and want to see you live out your purpose. Before this summer I gawked at the idea of needing others in this way, but if you’d ask me now, I would say this type of living is what’s missing in our western culture, and we should do everything we can to relinquish it for the next generation.
My brother and I, documenting the end of a great summer with wonderful memories.